The Body Pillowwwww

Body pillow on sale! This large five-foot long recalcitrant thing I lug home on the subway train. Folded in half and stuffed into an XXL shopping bag, it leads me banging and bouncing against escalator steps, street lampposts, and small children.

Suspicious-looking, I'm sure. But because it is relatively lightweight no-one will think I am transporting body parts.

Previously, at the store. "It will change your life!" chirped the teenage retail assistant, "I adore mine!" Not that I asked, so I ignored her. She's a teenager, what does she know. Why in god's creation does a teenager want a body pillow?

For that matter, why were body pillows invented? They seem to be good for aging human bodies with a touch of arthritis, cushion all the joints and soften the impact of extended limbs on an extra-firm (good-for-you) mattress. But do they really need to be that long?

This unwieldy thing I thought was a brilliant idea now involves nightly wrestling to place it just so. The process has to be repeated in the dark every so often when I turn over (all in the dark because if I turn the light on I will think it's morning and won't get back to sleep). The covers regularly get wrecked and the synthetic stuffing induces unwanted sweating. Not only that, it's fatter than a real human body next to you. 

It's a BED HOG.

From SEO Web Content.com. The model and her perfect hair obviously never spent a whole night with that thing. 

In the middle of the night, re-assessing the brilliant idea seems like top priority for the next day. Did I suffer a brain malfunction? So I see THIS after I buy mine:

So, if you are going to purchase cushions, then first of all check out you demands and make a comparison between demands and available variety. Cotton made cushions with colorful and soft covers are very best for your household uses. ... If you dream for perfect sleep after performing your hard job, then pillow will contribute a lot in targeting your desires. Cushion selection is the duty of women, so they should always hunt and buy for the best products, which can increase the taste of sleep.

Seems I failed beforehand to check out my demands and target my sleep tastiness. Just went straight for the SALE sign. It's a shopping chromosome I inherited from my mother.

Seriously. Do men buy these things?!

For all I know, Ms Chirpy hugs hers like the potential boyfriend she dreams of. Maybe she's on to something.